


Once A Soldier

by Mareel



Series: Always [36]
Category: Mass Effect
Genre: Canada, Destroy Ending, Family, Identity, Introspection, Love, M/M, Memories, N7 month, Post-Canon, Post-Mass Effect 3, Soldiers, Spacer (Mass Effect), War Hero (Mass Effect)
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-12-06
Updated: 2015-12-06
Packaged: 2018-05-05 08:38:43
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,138
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/5368823
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Mareel/pseuds/Mareel
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>An old soldier wonders if all that is over.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Once A Soldier

**Author's Note:**

> This takes place eight months after the end of the Reaper War, while John and Kaidan are visiting at the family orchard in British Columbia. It is Kaidan's voice. 
> 
> Written for N7 Month: Day 14 – Soldiers 

 

"How did your dad do it, Kaidan?"

The question comes from seemingly nowhere. We're taking a beer break from helping Mom weed her kitchen garden. It's our last day here at the orchard before we head back to Vancouver and I'd been meaning to do this all week.

"Sorry, John. I'm not following. Do what?"

He takes a last swallow from the bottle before setting it aside with our other empties. Weeding is thirsty work. Waving his hand in a broad gesture encompassing the garden, the orchard and everything in between, his reply is only slightly less cryptic that the original question. 

"This... all of this. I know you said he grew up here, but how did he come back to it?"

Popping open another couple of beers, I hand one to him and sample the other. It's not my usual lager, but I'm feeling too lazy to drive into town to buy more, especially since we'll be leaving tomorrow and Mom already has a good supply of other beers.

I'm starting to get an idea of what he's talking about. "You mean, coming back here after being in the Navy? Switching to the reserves after his posting to Singapore?"

"Yeah. I know why he did it... you've told me he wanted to spend time with his family while you were growing up." He takes a sip, looks at the label and shakes his head. "This stuff is okay, but I like your lager better." Setting the bottle down, he reaches for my hand instead. "What I don't know is _how_. How did he just change gears like that? One day he's flying patrol missions or teaching young pilots the tricks of the trade... the next day he's pruning pear trees and hiring harvest crews."

Okay, I finally realize what this might be about and squeeze his hand, huffing a small laugh. "Don't forget chasing after a toddler. I think he probably had an easier life in the military."

That brings a smile from John. "Yeah, you were probably a handful, even then. But seriously, it sounds like he was pretty dedicated to the life he had in the Alliance. Was it easy for him to just walk away from that? From flying?" His voice drops and he looks away. "From serving... making a difference."

I reach up to rest my fingertips beneath his jawline, gently turning his face back toward me. "I don't know, John. I was too young to know. But from things he said later, I got the idea that he still thought he was making a difference. Just in another way." After taking another sip of the lackluster beer, I add to that thought. "He did miss flying though. He had to keep up his credentials, but I'm sure it wasn't the same. It was a trade-off, I guess. I dunno."

John shakes his head and my hand falls away from his face, seeking his hand again. "I don't mean to say that you weren't worth it, Kaidan. You know that..."

Leaning in, I stop that line of thought with a kiss. "I know. And I think I understand what you're asking. But there were some differences between his situation and yours. For one thing, he grew up here, learning to prune trees and such long before he ever enlisted. I think he always planned to return here after his service. Maybe that happened a little earlier in his life than he'd once thought it would, but it was something that was already part of him."

"Yeah. I guess that could make a difference."

"You grew up knowing only the military. It was your mother's life and your dad's. And you chose to make it yours. Nothing wrong with that – it's just that you don't have something like an orchard waiting for you as an alternative." I make sure to catch his eyes. "You have to find your own path. I think that's probably a lot harder."

He shifts position, stretching his leg out in front on him as we sit on the porch steps. I move closer, wrapping an arm around his shoulder so he can lean against me. The weeding and cultivating had been a different kind of exercise for him. I'm not surprised if his hip and leg are feeling it some.

"Maybe. Or just different, I guess. But yeah, I never wanted to be anything other than a soldier. As my mom would tell you, it's all I played at being when I was a kid. Not all the kids I knew when I was growing up felt the same though. Some of them couldn't wait to get the hell as far from the military as possible – going off to college on Earth or settling on some colony. One of my friends..."

He pauses, reaching for the bottle for another long swallow. "He wanted me to come along when he decided to go live on Elysium. Just so he'd know someone there, I guess."

"Were you even tempted?"

He shakes his head. "No way. I couldn't imagine living groundside for long. I did go to visit him on Elysium when I had a shoreleave and was in the area. He'd gotten married, had a baby on the way. I guess everyone knows how that trip turned out..."

I tighten my arm around his shoulder and he lets out a long breath.

"You did what you had to do there, Shepard. And you saved your friend and the rest of the colonists."

"Yeah. I knew I'd made the right choice. I was meant to be a soldier. Then the Reapers came along and I didn't plan much beyond stopping them. But now... "

"John, look at me. You still have choices. Give it time. You can still choose to serve in the Alliance – trust me, Hackett would find a place for you. Or you can serve the Council as a Spectre. Or do both." I pause, making sure he'll hear me clearly. "Or neither."

He leans his head back against me, burrowing against my chest. "I don't know... I feel like I should still be doing _something_. That woman we ran into in town... she thanked me for my service, like it was over."

I kiss his hair. "A lot of people would say you've done enough. But it's not up to them, just to you. And you don't have to make any choices yet... let's just see what happens, okay?"

I can feel him nodding against my chest. 

"Just know one thing, and never forget it. No matter what you decide, I'm with you, always."

His arm slips around my waist and he sighs. But it's not a worried sigh. I can hear the difference. It's as close as he'll come to contentment right now. And that's enough for me.

_____________________________________________________

 


End file.
